


life goes on

by nanaisms (sanhascroissant)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ??????? - Freeform, Character Study, Coming of Age, F/M, First Love, High School, M/M, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Minor Lee Jeno/Jeon Heejin, Nostalgia, Past Kim Yerim | Yeri/Na Jaemin, Teenage Rebellion, Teenagers, Unrequited Crush, discussion of divorce, welcome back to projection city! starring me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29195955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanhascroissant/pseuds/nanaisms
Summary: One day, you'll find yourself standing in silence with a boy on a bridge, and though you love him, you will never tell him, because you have come to the shocking revelation that you have run out of time.Or; Na Jaemin is Mark Lee's first love, though he'll never know it.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Comments: 20
Kudos: 63
Collections: Love Dream 2020





	life goes on

**Author's Note:**

  * For [drmroses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drmroses/gifts).



> hello, kath!
> 
> I hope this fic lives up to your expectations, I tried my best. It might be a bit angstier than you meant for it to be, so i'm very sorry TT
> 
> still, i hope you enjoy. happy valentines day! 
> 
> thank you to the admins and a reminder that none of these fic characters are meant to represent their real life counterparts! this is just fun and games, thanks!
> 
> love,  
> robin!  
> (@r0binisms on twt)

Mark met Jaemin in gym class in his sophomore year. To be more accurate, he met Donghyuck, who introduced him to his boyfriend Renjun, who introduced him to his childhood friend Yeri, who introduced him to her best friend Yeeun, who introduced him to her neighbor Jeno, who introduced him to his girlfriend Heejin, who introduced him to her chemistry lab partner Yangyang, who introduced him to Jaemin. But frankly, it’s easier to say that he met Jaemin through Donghyuck and leave it at that.

Jaemin was always the quietest among their newly forged friend group — while he, Yeri, and Renjun were practically inseparable, it was pretty well known that Renjun and Yeri were the closest to one another among the trio. “You could say that we’re the pretty best friends,” Renjun said to Mark once, with a smirk.

Jaemin had been hard for Mark to read from the beginning. He didn’t speak much, and when he did, it wasn’t ever anything of much substance. Conversations with him rarely went anywhere — Jaemin preferred to stick to small talk and questions about homework. Mark, who was vulnerable to the point of instant regret sometimes (seriously, every person you’ve ever gotten even mildly close to doesn’t need to know about your experience with bullying in middle school, Mark, fuck) just didn’t have any fucking clue how to get to know him.

Mark found that Jaemin was quiet and self-deprecating, but good-humored. He enjoyed photography, and ate his ramen with an ungodly amount of cilantro. He was kind, and liked bunnies, and pretty, and Mark didn’t realize how enamoured he was until a whole year after they’d met when their friends began speculating that he might have a crush.

The year before, he’d had gym with all of them. But this year, it was just Renjun, Yeri, Heejin, Yeeun, and him. Donghyuck and Jaemin had gotten sixth period gym rather than fourth — meaning that the time they spent waiting in the hall for their teacher after getting dressed was the perfect time to gossip about Jaemin’s potential crush.

“He told me he has a crush,” Renjun said conspiratorially. “I just don’t know who.”

“What? Unfair,” Yeri said, pouting. “Why hasn’t he told me? So much for best friendship.” She sighed, leaning back against the wall. Heejin rolled her eyes.

“Oh, come on,” Heejin said, exasperated. “That’s because it’s _you._ It’s obvious as fuck.”

“Oh my god, _as if,”_ Yeri said, covering her face with her hands, cheeks blushing a pretty shade of pink.

Renjun tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, considering the idea. He turned to Mark. “What do you think?”

Mark shook his head with a smile. “I don’t know…” he said, slowly. It was weird — he never knew what was going on in Jaemin’s head, but for some reason, his gut feeling was that Jaemin’s crush wasn’t on Yeri. He just didn’t see it. “Jaemin’s hard to read. I wouldn’t rule anyone out, to be honest.”

“It’s pretty much between Yeri, you, Yangyang, and me,” Yeeun said. “Jaemin wouldn’t have a crush on anyone in a relationship. And out of the four of us, let’s be honest. He’s closest to Yeri.”

Mark considered this, his stomach rolling slightly. “True,” he said. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

“He better confess!” Renjun said. “I’ve been on his ass about it for weeks now. But you know Jaemin. Anything that requires putting himself out there is a bit…” Renjun made a face.

“Yeah, we know,” Heejin said, patting him on the shoulder before turning to Yeri. “If it really is you, good luck!”

“Thanks,” Yeri muttered, face still red. The conversation ended, their gym teacher beginning to take attendance.

Mark couldn’t get the conversation out of his head, and weeks later when Jaemin confessed to Yeri and they started dating, Mark felt his heart drop like a stone, and thought. _Oh. Well, yeah, that would explain it. You fucking idiot, Mark Lee._

Mark wasn’t a terrible person. He was happy for Yeri and Jaemin — but he was also a little sad for himself. Time heals all wounds, life goes on, and Mark certainly wasn’t going to ruin his friendships by being bitter, so he shoved the feelings in a tiny box labeled _do not open under any circumstances,_ and shoved them to the back of his mind.

* * *

A few months into Jaemin and Yeri’s relationship, Mark offered to drive Jaemin home from Yeeun and Heejin’s volleyball game. When he walked Jaemin to the door, Jaemin’s mom invited him inside, thrilled to meet one of Jaemin’s friends — “He never lets us meet you guys!” — and Mark, overly polite to a fault, couldn’t find it in himself to say no.

Of course, this meant he also met Jaemin’s little sister. She ran into the kitchen, hair messy and eyes bright, looked between the two of them and said, “Are you guys dating?”

Jaemin had denied it with such vehemence Mark almost felt like he should be offended.

Months later, Mark was hanging out with Yeri in her backyard during summer vacation. They were sipping ice-cold lemonades, and Yeri’s head was tipped back, sunglasses perched on the edge of her nose, shielding her eyes from the sun. 

“You know,” Mark said, “Once, Jaemin’s sister thought we were dating.”

Yeri had snorted, tossing her hair to the side. It shimmered and caught the late-afternoon sunlight. “You met his sister? Congratulations, you’ve met more of his family members than I ever did.”

“You dated for six months, though?” Mark said, once he recovered from his shock. Yeri shot him a wry smile.

“Exactly.”

* * *

You see, Yeri and Jaemin’s relationship was a house built on sand and made of paper — it was never built to last. Jaemin was enamoured with Yeri, but not even she could get him to open up. 

“He moved houses, Renjun.” Mark once overheard her hiss, before the breakup.

“What the fuck? Why?” Renjun sounded off-kilter. “No he didn’t. He hasn’t said anything.”

“He did. His parents got divorced.” Yeri’s voice was grim. Mark heard Renjun suck in a breath. “He _didn’t say a word to us._ His closest friend and his girlfriend.”

“Jaemin’s always been like this,” Renjun tried, but Yeri sighed, looking away.

“Yeah.” She sounded resigned. “I know.”

They broke up two days later, and went back to being friends so easily, it was hard to tell that they’d even been dating in the first place.

It was rough — as much as the three of them liked to pretend that everything was totally fine. The previous perfectly balanced friendship between Jaemin, Renjun, and Yeri was always just the slightest bit off-kilter after that, and it never really recovered. 

But nobody in their friend group was a fan of drama, so they all politely ignored the end of Yeri and Jaemin’s relationship and went out for boba as a group the following week like nothing had ever happened.

Life goes on.

* * *

Unlike the rest of their friend group, who lived within walking distance of their high school, Mark and Jaemin lived in a different neighborhood entirely. Jaemin got his license first, but for some reason, never seemed to use it, so Mark took to shooting him a text before group outings. 

_Hey, need a ride?_

_Sure._

So Mark and Jaemin kind of became carpool buddies. At first, it was awkward as fuck. Mark was friends with Jaemin, obviously, but it had always been in a sort of peripheral way — the way you consider somebody a friend because they’re just always around. Jaemin wasn’t exactly the most talkative guy on the planet, and it was there, driving Jaemin back home on the freeway at night, the streetlights blurring past his windshield, that Mark realized that despite his minor crush on the guy, he really didn’t know Jaemin that well at all.

But still, his heart fluttered slightly under his ribcage, the silence suffocating, and he realized that he wanted to learn more than the superficial stuff he already knew. Desperately. 

He swallowed, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. He summoned all his courage, and broke the silence.

“So. How’s your sister?”

If Jaemin was surprised at the question, he didn’t show it as he looked up from where he sat in the passenger seat, scrolling on his phone. “She’s fine.” A pause. “Annoying.”

“She’s what, ten?”

“Nine.”

Mark laughed. “Makes sense. All nine year olds are a bit annoying.”

“God, tell me about it,” Jaemin said emphatically. He locked his phone. “Do you have any idea how much slime she’s forced me to help her make? Like, goddamn.”

“I hear slime is all the rage with the kids these days,” Mark said. “The kids I help coach at swim go off about it every so often. What do you say, is it worth the hype?”

“I would get it if it was just playing with the slime,” Jaemin said, rolling his eyes. “But no. every three days she’s knocking on my door asking me to help her make slime, and when I’m like, _dude, don’t you have slime already?_ She’s like, _no, Jaemin, I need…_ I don’t fucking know, _pink rainbow glitter explosion slime! I haven’t made that yet,_ and then I’m up to my arms in Elmer’s school glue for the next two hours.”

Mark laughed, and then Jaemin was asking him if he had any siblings, and by the time Mark was pulling up to Jaemin’s house, he found himself not wanting the conversation to end.

From then on, they started talking while they carpooled a lot more. Most of the time, it was Mark, rambling while Jaemin listened attentively, asking questions here and there. But every so often, Jaemin would throw in an anecdote about his day, about his mom, or his sister, or a complaint about his math homework.

One night, they were out for Jeno’s birthday, purposefully breaking curfew to go to Target, of all places. They’d messed around inside the store, each of them buying something cheap and ridiculous for Jeno for his birthday. Heejin had bought him a plastic crown that said “Birthday Princess” in cheap plastic rhinestones, and insisted that he wear it around the store, especially after an old man shot him a scandalized look when they passed by him in the aisle

“Fuck old people, you look hot,” Heejin said after the incident, confident. Jeno had beamed at her like he’d won the lottery, and kept it on for the rest of the night, long after they’d left Target and the weird judgemental dude behind. 

Some other gifts included a mug with a picture of a cat smoking a pipe on it (a joint gift from Renjun and Donghyuck), a small inflatable dolphin that Mark was pretty sure was supposed to be used in the pool (courtesy of Yeeun), and some fancy skincare charcoal soap bar thing from Yangyang, who claimed it had done _wonders_ for his skin and that Jeno just _had_ to try it.

They were all heading to Yangyang’s house for some cake, because his parents were chill and probably the least likely to force them all to go home, but obviously, they couldn’t all fit in one car.

Mark had gotten into his car, key in the ignition as Jaemin slid into the passenger seat, and asked his standard opening question — “How’s your day?”

Typically, Jaemin gave monosyllabic answers. _Fine. Good. Alright._

This time, he pulled the door closed with a bit more force than strictly necessary and said, with feeling, “My parents both came to the library today.”

Mark paused, surprised. Jaemin volunteered at the library some days, and Mark vaguely remembered him talking about how he had a presentation he was going to do about the importance of public libraries and the easy access to information they provided. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Jaemin huffed, brow furrowing. “It was so fucking awkward, and I hated it.”

“Okay.”

“No, you don’t understand, I literally _hated_ it,” Jaemin said. “In my opinion, they should never be anywhere near one another ever again for the rest of my lifetime. Possibly longer.”

“That sucks,” Mark said, trying to be a bit more understanding. “Was it just awkward, or…?” He trailed off. Jaemin bit his lip, skin red and chapped, and shook his head, like he didn’t know exactly how to explain it. 

He probably didn’t, Mark realized. He barely ever talked about his feelings. And oh, _Jesus Christ,_ Jaemin was talking about his feelings. To Mark. In a Target parking lot. That was unprecedented. 

“I… I don’t know,” Jaemin said, frustrated. “It was so _aggravating,_ the way they stood there, playing nice. I was like _what the fuck are you_ both _doing here?_ And they were like, _we’re putting our differences aside to support you,_ and I just wanted to scream.”

Mark hummed supportively, sensing that Jaemin wasn’t quite done.

“I mean, I guess…” Jaemin seemed to struggle with his next words. “I guess the divorce wasn’t a surprise.” He laughed hollowly. “Realistically, I would have been more surprised if they had gotten it together. But it’s like, there I was, about to move out of the house in, I don’t know, a year or two, and I had some hope that they would be able to _put their differences aside to support me_ for that long. Two years isn’t that long, if you think about it. They’d already dealt with each other for sixteen years. But they didn’t.” He snorted, slumping down in his seat just the slightest bit. “They got divorced, and I have to admit that things are certainly more peaceful when they’re nowhere near each other’s vicinity, so I wish that they’d just stick to it.”

“You’re upset at them, then?” 

Something in Jaemin’s face shudders. “No, I love them, I’m not mad at them doing what will make them happier, I guess I just…” Silence fell between them, and Jaemin rubbed a hand across his eyes, sighing. “Well, okay. Maybe I’m a little mad.” He looked ashamed, and Mark couldn’t let that stand.

“Hey, it’s okay to be mad at someone you love, you know?” Jaemin looked up at him, eyes wide, but Mark had already gotten this far, so he pushed on. “Anger is a productive emotion sometimes. You can’t let it get the better of you, but it can really clarify things.” 

He smiled reassuringly Jaemin’s way, putting the car in reverse. As they backed out of their parking spot, he continued. “My family always taught me to repress my anger so that I didn’t hurt other people with it, and that’s fair. You don’t want to lash out. But at the same time, I’m a huge fucking pushover, so any time anybody did anything bad to me, I’d push down my feelings and rationalize it to myself, saying things like, _oh, they probably had a bad day, they didn’t mean it._ But then I realized that other people shouldn’t be treating me like that regardless of their circumstances, and sometimes, anger gives me the fire I need to stand up for myself when I otherwise wouldn’t. It burns away any hangups I may have about being honest, and lets me draw clear boundaries without feeling guilty.” Mark smiled Jaemin’s way, and saw that Jaemin was still watching, wide-eyed. 

“So don’t feel bad about being angry, Jaemin,” Mark told him, confident. “Sometimes, when you’re at a loss, anger can show you a way forward, you know?”

Silence fell between them for a moment. Jaemin bit his lip, turning to look out the window, and Mark let him be. He was probably thinking about it, turning Mark’s words over in his mind, examining them carefully. 

When Jaemin finally spoke, it was several minutes later, as they turned on to the freeway, heading towards Yangyang’s house. His voice was small, considering. “I never thought of it like that.”

Mark smiled, and then Jaemin was clearing his throat and asking Mark about the biology homework, the moment passing.

From then on, every so often, their conversations went just a little bit beyond surface level questions about each other’s day to day lives. It didn’t happen often, but somehow Mark knew intrinsically that he was getting more of Jaemin than anyone else in their friend group. Possibly more than anyone else in the world.

Jaemin was reticent, and even though Mark knew him better than he once did, he still felt like he didn’t have any real grasp on who Jaemin was at his core. He was a pile of confusing puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit together, contradictory in his very being — the guy who shamelessly acted cute at Donghyuck’s expense until the latter pretended to throw up was the same guy who sat quietly beside them all at lunch with a smile, giving monosyllabic answers to any questions inquiring after him and never revealing more about himself than absolutely strictly necessary.

There was no clear picture of Jaemin in Mark’s head. He struggled to describe what exactly Jaemin was like — if he had to choose a word, it would be _complicated._

_Maybe,_ Mark mused, _that's just the truth of knowing somebody. What human being makes perfect sense?_

* * *

Mark’s crush on Jaemin didn’t go away. It colored every interaction with him, in a quiet, contented sort of way. It didn’t burn or explode into sparks the way all the movies said it would — instead, Mark’s love for Jaemin grew quietly and steadily, like a vine, leaves wrapped up and curled tentatively around his heart. 

They had time, and Mark enjoyed their friendship. He didn’t want it to change.

“Got my third acceptance letter today,” Jeno had said one day at lunch as he sank into his seat beside Heejin.

“Oh yeah?” Yangyang sounded marginally interested, though most of his attention was focused on some mobile game he’d gotten obsessed with the past few weeks. “To where?”

“University of Santa Clara.” Jeno grimaced, and Mark honestly felt for him. It was Jeno’s dream school, but Heejin…. Well. Heejin was planning on going on exchange back to South Korea for a year, living with her mom’s sister and going to university, and she and Jeno were both too pragmatic to try long distance. 

“It won’t work for us,” Heejin had said with a shrug, when Mark asked. “We know each other well enough to know that. We’ll get distant, and then it’ll end badly.” She shot Mark a look, running a hand through her hair. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” she said, voice tense, almost pained. “I like Jeno. Might even go as far as to say that I love him.” At those words, her face softened, before she remembered the topic of conversation, and hesitation fell into the lines of her face once again. “But I’m not going to give up my dreams for him, and I don’t want him giving up his dreams for me, so we’re breaking up on good terms at the end of the year.” She shrugged. “If it’s meant to be, I think that we’ll meet again in the future. If it’s not, well, then we’re saving ourselves some future heartbreak.”

“That’s great, babe!” Heejin said now, smiling brightly at him. “That’s your first choice school, isn’t it?”

Jeno smiled, the grimace melting away in the face of Heejin’s enthusiasm. “Yeah, it is.”

“Speaking of acceptance letters,” Yeri interjected. “I’ve committed to UCLA!”

A round of congratulations rang around the table, and Yeeun grinned, throwing her arm over Yeri’s shoulder. “Twinsies!” She said, grinning. “You better not ditch me.”

“As if,” Yeri said, rolling her eyes. “I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried. We’re going to be roommates for all four years, just watch.” 

“Where are you heading, Mark?” Renjun asked. “Have you decided between Santa Barbara and Sonoma?”

Renjun and Donghyuck would be the only ones staying in town — much to Mark’s surprise. They had seemed like the pair to want to travel the world, but at the end of the day, it seemed like neither of them had any desire to go. 

“I like this city,” Donghyuck had told him one warm night when Mark had been staying over at Donghyuck’s house. It had been somewhere around three or four in the morning, the two of them wrapped up in Donghyuck’s duvet and sitting on the roof, watching the stars. “People are always wanting to leave so badly, and that’s fine. But I like it here. So why go?”

Donghyuck had looked genuinely content with his choice, and Renjun seemed to share his sentiment. 

Mark wasn’t worried about them.

Now, he cleared his throat. “Oh, Sonoma, probably.”

“Oh, Jaemin’s going there too, isn’t he?” Yangyang said, finally looking up from his game. “It’s annoying, I was hoping to get him to be my roommate if he’d settled on UC Davis instead.”

“I don’t think Jaemin’s decided just yet,” Mark said. “But if he came to Sonoma too, that would be cool.”

 _That would be cool?_ Mark berated himself, heart fluttering madly, slamming up against his breastbone like it wanted to break out of his ribcage in excitement at the prospect. _That’s a gross understatement._

He caught Renjun shooting him a look that fell somewhere between concerned and knowing, but Mark tried not to dwell on it. 

He had time. They all still had time.

* * *

Here’s the thing about high school: it’s years of soul-destroying busywork, filled with hours of studying and writing useless papers you know you’re going to forget, poring over formulas you won’t remember. It drags on and on and on and you hate it, except for the moments when you don’t, and then you look up and it’s over, and you think to yourself, _now when the fuck did that happen?_

A week after they’d walked the stage, they planned a trip up to some national park to take a hike and celebrate the end of their high school careers with no adult chaperones — made possible thanks to Yangyang (the youngest)'s eighteenth birthday just a few weeks prior. Mark was the designated driver for one car, Yeri for the other, and despite their best efforts, the two of them had gotten hopelessly lost the moment they lost cell service. 

Instead of enjoying the beauty of a national park, they found themselves pulled over on the side of the highway into a small makeshift parking lot just before the road ahead of them crossed a bridge. 

The hills were beautiful, stretching out around them for miles, the mountains towering over them in the distance, blurred green and brown. And right before them the bridge spread out over a man-made reservoir, the waters sparkling blue-green in the late afternoon sunlight.

They hopped out of the cars, all of them stiff from the hours of driving, and spread out to explore. Mark somehow found himself walking with Jaemin out to the center of the bridge while the other swarmed around the parking lot and the opposite side of the road, checking out the few makeshift trails that seemed to lead off into the scrub brush. 

For all that the surrounding scenery was breathtaking, the actual area they were exploring was by no means beautifully maintained. The bridge was covered in graffiti, the trails were poorly marked and punctuated with pieces of trash every so often, likely left over from some kind of unauthorized party, based on the nature of the trash itself — beer cans, the husks of fireworks, the occasional empty spray paint can. 

Yet despite its imperfection, Mark couldn’t help but be endeared. As he and Jaemin reached the center of the bridge, they paused, looking down. 

The drop from the bridge to the water was dizzying, but Mark couldn’t stop looking. He was overwhelmed, eyes wide as he considered the height, Jaemin doing the same at his side. 

“Holy shit, that’s a long drop,” Jaemin finally said, and Mark laughed. 

“Yeah. _Holy shit_ is right.” He caught the corner of Jaemin’s lips as they started to turn just the slightest bit upwards, into a smile. They fell into comfortable silence for a moment, before Mark said, “You know, this is nice.”

Jaemin hummed in agreement. “Yeah. One last adventure.”

“One last adventure,” Mark said, smiling. He felt the smile falter, making way for contemplation, and he turned to Jaemin. “Hey, sorry for asking this, I’m forgetful as hell, but where are you going again?”

“Indiana,” Jaemin said, and Mark felt his heart drop. “I just…” His fingers tightened on the bridge’s railing. “I needed to get out of the state. Have some distance from my parents.”

“Of course. You’ll do amazing there.” Mark wondered how he’d managed to get disappointed. After all, he and Jaemin weren’t dating. They were friends, yeah, and he was probably Jaemin’s best friend, but Jaemin wasn’t _his_ best friend — there were plenty of people he was a lot more open with, and who he knew more about. 

_It’s because you like him,_ the feelings box in the back of Mark’s mind suggested. _You’re sad that you’ve run out of time._

 _Shut the fuck up and die,_ Mark told it, calmly as he could muster. 

Silence fell between them, and Mark struggled to be okay with it. 

Because here’s the thing about first loves: they’re shy, and wonderful, and you love the little things about them. You learn what it’s like to care about someone quietly, to be there for them whenever you can, to yearn for something more than what you already have. But first loves are painful in that they’re suffocating; so rarely spoken of out loud. You’re new to love, and you don’t want to mess it up, so you hold it close to your chest, and like it tends to do, life goes on. 

One day, you’ll find yourself standing in silence with a boy on a bridge, and though you love him, you will never tell him, because you have come to the shocking revelation that you have run out of time.

So you let him go follow his dreams while you follow yours. Maybe you’ll keep in touch — text him every so often to see how he’s doing. Maybe you’ll see him in ten years at a class reunion, or run into him at the local grocery store when you’re both home for Christmas. Maybe you’ll see him at a mutual friend’s wedding, or maybe you won’t see him at all. 

Maybe you’ll say goodbye, and that will be the end of it.

But right now, Yeri and Donghyuck are calling you two back because they think they’ve found a trail that actually leads somewhere, and you’re on one last adventure together before you all scatter to the wind, chasing your respective futures.

Mark smiled at Jaemin.

“Better go see what that’s all about.”

Jaemin nodded, brown hair glowing just slightly golden in the late afternoon sunlight, smile radiant and warm. 

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Life goes on. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading! 
> 
> if you enjoyed, please consider leaving kudos and a comment, it would make my day <3 thank you very much, lovely readers!
> 
> love, robin!  
> (@r0binisms on twt)


End file.
